"Always daddys little girl"

RIP John Cole
March 2nd 1963-July 17th 2007

I always told myself I would never put this part of my life into my blog. It is a part of me that has haunted everything I have done for the last three years but today it seems to be affecting me more then usual. July 17th 2007 my world was thrown upside down when I received the news that my father, the same man who I considered to be one of the greatest men living had committed suicide. Many people who are aware of exactly how my father had passed away ask me if I could have seen this coming, yes I know your shocked that someone would ask a seventeen year old girl if she knew her father was going to kill himself one day but it happened more times then I could count. At his funeral I was asked more then a few times exactly how he had done it and told by countless people that it was okay for me to seek counseling considering the way my father had died I would need it. Truth be told my father was happier in the last few months of his life then I had ever seen him before. As much as I hate what he ended up doing I am filled with comfort that he did give me the memory's we will built in what would be our last time together. He was happier and more relaxed then I had ever seen my dad.

My whole life I had known my father was different then others, he would spend time at home instead of at work which I would later come to find he was on disability for his mental illness. His depression was no secret and was talked about on a regular basis. I knew he was what I considered sad at the time but never once did I know he was suicidal. He would spend most of his time alone not interacting with the family, something I always thought was normal. It was when my mother left my father when me and my siblings were all in our teens that I saw another side of my father. He became angry and frustrated, he would lock himself in his room and when he did come out he would storm around throwing things. He would guilt my sister and I into giving him any information on my mother and her new boyfriend, at the time I am not ashamed to admit I got sick at the thought of being near my own father. As time went on I could see the effect of the divorce wearing off on him, and within a short time he became my father again. We would spend endless nights just sitting around talking about anything and everything. We had more great memorys in that time then we had my whole life. My dad was such an amazing man and even though this blog may paint him as a sad, angry, lonely man that was only him for a short time when his depression seemed to get the better of him. When he was himself he was beyond the perfect father, in his letter left behind he begged for his children to not think of him as a coward. He wanted to be remembered for the father he was not the action that took him away from us.

I could say without a doubt my mind I have never thought of my father as anything less then a brave man, he dealt with more in his life then even I was aware and yes he ended up giving into his illness and that act alone is something I could never forgive him for but it does not mean I love him any less. He was my father, my friend and my hero and that never changed. Yes I am angry and will be for years to come over his decision, I feel it was a completely selfish act and because of it I am left alone without my dad to help me get through. I did not get the chance to bring home the man that I love to meet my father, he will not be there to walk me down the aisle, he wont see his future grand kids and that was his fault alone. I can not forgive him for taking away my father at his young age but I will never think of him as anything less then my perfect father. The point of this entry was to simply get a chance to vent to the world about my father and the deep sadness I have been feeling everyday since his passing. He was such a big part of my world that the thought that he is gone and has been gone for three years is something that kills me. I have not and I am sure will never get over the greatest tragedy that has ever happened to me.